This post stands to potentially be the most offensive I have yet posted on this blog. And for that reason I apologise in advance to anyone who finds themselves even remotely affronted by what follows…(NB Although the title of this post offers a satirical take on a well-known Monopoly card, the following has nothing to do with that particular board game).
So, then, here goes nothing. Ahem, how should I put this? Oh, yeah, I absolutely HATE scrabble! I positively loathe it like I would loathe having Ieprosy of the feet. In fact, there are not nearly enough seven-letter words contained within the English language to describe the intensity of my hatred.
Ok, let me make this abundantly clear, shall I? Just in case there is still any vagueness around the nature of my feelings towards the aforementioned board game. Simply put, I would voluntarily submit to experimental root-canal therapy long before I would submit to playing a casual game of scrabble. Believe me, I can’t help it, but I truly just want to take a hammer to every scrabble board I see.
My family, more widely, mostly loves the despicable excuse for a game. Which only serves to make me feel even more ostracized when attending family gatherings and holiday get-togethers etc. Hmm, “outcast”, now look, there’s a good seven-letter word to describe my predicament!
Anyway, I suspect at this point you’re thinking I’m merely being churlish for the sake of it. Well, I beg to differ. My chagrin is heartfelt, honestly, and I’ll tell you why.
To my mind, scrabble is tantamount to word-abuse. It’s also mean-spirited and nasty in the way it forces players to reduce letters to mere numbers, for point-scoring purposes. And moreover it makes champions of those who would piggyback their own words onto the existing words of others. In essence, it lacks any real poetry.
I myself am a lover of words. And to see words being made to conform to the grids of a scrabble board therefore causes me to erupt in seething fits of rage. Although, strangely enough, crosswords I seem better able to tolerate, for some arcane reason.
Whatever, scrabble is also tiresomely tedious and boring. Aargh, please, don’t even get me started about its deficiencies as a suitably entertaining pastime!
Have I offended you yet? No? Don’t worry, I haven’t finished yet so there’s still time for you to feel completely affronted by my brazen effrontery.
How about this, then? What if I were to say that scrabble sux!
Yeah, now, that’s really hurting all you diehard scrabble-lovers, isn’t? And I know why! It’s because sux isn’t a real word, and you just can’t stand to see that big, juicy “x” just hanging there with its eight points going to waste. You’re just itching to get it, so you can slam it down on the next available triple letter score square.
Yeah, I know you. So whaddya say, should we maybe swap families next holidays? You can go all wild with my kith and kin, and you can all be, like, high 5-ing each other, over how you just added “sycoph” to someone else’s “ant” and thereby joined up the word “sycophant” right on top of a triple word score square.
O, Brother, where’s the art or tao, I ask you? Later…