The Top 10 Reasons Why I Suck As A Writer

English: A whole lemon

English: A whole lemon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No. 1 – Because I care more about me than I do about you
Explanation: I’m self-obsessed, that’s why I became a writer, duh?! I’m not alone in
this, I’m sure, but a writer’s greatest mistake is having so much of a rogue-ego they
write so as to solely please/pleasure themselves and not others…hmm.

No.2 – I take rejection really, really, REALLY! BADLY!!!
Explanation: see previous blog article here.

No.3 – I refuse to run with the pack
Explanation: Human beings by nature are social animals, we writerly-types are not.
“Not human?” I hear you ask. No, not sociable. Well, not fit for polite society,
mostly. What I mean to say is that the very term “writers’ co-op” is surely an
oxymoron? Whatever, by banding together writers can help each other out. Just don’t
expect me to join the Christmas mailing list, understand?

No. 4 – Because proof-reading your work is for sissies, right?
Explanation: Wong. I mean, wrong. I mean, I just wrote the bloody thing, and so you
don’t actually think I now want to actually read it. ( I think I actually just used the
word “actually” twice in the same sentence. Nah, pooh cares?

No. 5 – Because I’m a lover; not a fighter, Michael!
Explanation: What was the topic again? Did I mention I get distracted easily? No? This
would never happen on Tralfamadore…

No. 6 – Self-doubt is a disease without any cure
Explanation: You’ve already stopped reading, because you hate me. Stop everything!
What’s an infinitive, and have I just split one. Ah, if I could but boldly know…

No. 7 – Bad habits are not just solely the preserve of poorly-dressed nuns
Explanation: Falling back on the same old sentence structure and turn of phrase makes
for a quickly tiresome writing style. Vary it up a bit. Honestly. It works! Or so most
successful writers will tell you. Don’t listen to me, though, I’m some anonymous hack
just like the rest of you.

No. 8 – “In-jokes” aren’t funny!
Explanation: While I personally might think Monty Python are hilariously funny (and
know many of their sketches by heart), jokes about The Ministry of Silly Walks probably
don’t have quite the legs I might like to think they do. Think, similarly, for the word
fnord!

No. 9 – What’s my name again?
Explanation: Let’s face it, as a writer, it’s much more fun to spend time dreaming up
pen names and plotting out our imaginary Pulitzer Prize speeches, than actually writing,
isn’t it? Don’t fall for your own bullshit, if John Smith had written War and Peace,
it would still be War and Peace. Sorry, Leo 😉

No. 10 – Oh, God! I Can’t Be Arsed…
Explanation: Hell, you can finish this damn list off, if it’s so freakin’ important to
you! I’ve got some serious drinking to do…

“The tygers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.” William Blake

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About Lorem Ipsum

Just some guy trying to figure out where the "on" switch is hid on the remote control—ah, forget it. Because, you know what, I'm also the kinda guy who always likes the book waaay more than the movie! View all posts by Lorem Ipsum

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